Monday, November 26, 2007

And so it goes.... A turkey, an almost heist and fun times

Happy belated Turkey Day!!!

I so need to exercise, I have lost weight and I swear I put it all back on. Anywho, let's get it crackalacking on my Tday.

Can someone explain to me how I end up having 13 people over for dinner with a possible 16, an unwanted sleepover and an almost heist???

My fam (5), MIL and daughter (2), my mother (1), brother and fam (5), friend and kids (3) (they didn't show up thank the goodness). It was only suppose to be us and the mothers, but whatever. On Tuesday, my gf calls my celly and says, hey when am I getting an official invite - let's try never. Um, if you want to come cool, but there was not going to be an invite (maybe that is why she ended up NOT coming).

She starts with what should she bring (my husband said hot water or nothing), I told her drinks. She says, you sure you don't want me to cook - (in unison people - HELL TO THE NAW). Sidebar: One Turkey Day, we invited her over my uncles house and she made stuffing - have you guys ever seen separated stuffing - yeah, well. My uncle said - tell that big legged, red girl she can come over any time she wants, so I can stare at her, but she is not allowed to bring another dish and he is so right (about the cooking). Oh, and she can't take a hint - she kept calling me asking - what should she bring and then finally said remember that time.....talking about the stuffing (damn, yeah, we remember..that is why your ass is not cooking).

MIL decided on the way to my house, that she may not feel like driving home, so her and her daughter may spend a night!!!! Says, who? Did you ask? I swear she did this shit because my mother was staying. But hello people, my mother lives in Georgia - her ass lives in MD, not even 30 minutes away AND, her ass don't drink - so why can't she drive home. How bout she tried to change the music to gospel??? Ssssshhhhitttt!! Nothing against the Lord, but not while I am drinking Patron and playing Spades!!

My carpet didn't like their ass, come to find out my nephew was walking around undetected by me with his sippy cup and was spilling ORANGE juice on my white/beige carpet. If I would have caught his ass they would have gotten me for forced child labor!

The heist:
So, my brother is married - HOWEVER, him and his wife haven't been together for the past 7 years and they are not divorced (don't ask, my brother is an idiot). He has a son with this new chicken head who is 15 months old and she has 2 kids from a previous relationship, a boy 9 and a girl 7.

So, college boy has the games in his room and he let the kids come in and play. Well, my mother comes to me and says I have to tell you something, but I will wait to later (why do that to people). Anyway, she tell me while she was smoking out back (smokefree house), she had to use the bathroom, she comes in and finds him stuffing something in his pocket. So, she said he looked guilty of something and asked him what was he doing and he pulls out a top. She said, so, if I go in your pocket I won't find anything. He then proceed to pull out a stack of Yu-GI-Oh cards (yes, my son has a rack of them - he goes to Uof MD to compete with them). He says, College Boy said he can have them. My mom says, well lets go see. Takes him in there and of course College Boy says, no I didn't and guess what grandma, that is not all of them. He then pulls out another stack. WTF!!!

My mother go and tell his mother and she says - are you sure, I don't see why he would do that since he have Pokemon cards at home - uh, HE HAD STACKS IN HIS POCKET, NOT ONE OR TWO. This is another case of my brother messing with a slightly retarded chic - I swear.

So what did College Boy say - see, this is why I don't want no one in my room. This is the second time I tried to be nice when we had company and what do i say - your right, you don't have to entertain any more. Remember Memorial Day - one of the babies spit Doritos on his wall (she was trying to help him decorate - he didn't find that funny).

All in all, I had a great time. It was nice to spend time with my brother and talk about growing up and missing my sister (not her, but my nieces and nephews) who didn't drive up. It was also nice to play cards, talk crap and get my drink on.

Seems like everyone had just as much fun, from what I read on some blogs.

Monday, November 19, 2007

WMATA Corner

Let me just start off by saying, I will not discuss the knit pattern traitor Starsky, because that is what she/it would want me to do. As my mom use to say – It ain’t happening captain!!

WMATA is back!!! WMATA (we call it metro) is the name of the bus/train system in D.C. and in this corner I will discuss my trials and tribulations while journeying on this contraption with my son the 9 year old (did you see that, he turned 9 two weeks ago).

I ask you – why do people discuss personal information on cell phone or with people loudly? I just do not get it. My husband or any body call me, I will answer and say is it important, I am on the bus, I will call you back. But some people, I just don’t get it.

Friday I dropped the little one off at school and get back on the bus to go to work. We make a stop and pick up three of the loudest broads.

Conversation went like this:

Loud Ass #1: So, where are you going to the metro?
Loud Ass #2: Yeah, I am getting on the metro but I have to stop at the court building first – where you going, you want to go with me?
Loud Ass #1: Naw, I have an appointment, why you going to the courts?
Loud Ass #2: Girl, I am going down there to get my damn divorce. I am going in there fill out some papers and get rid of this tired ass nickel.
Loud Ass #1: I hear you, its that simple huh?
Loud Ass #2: Yessir!! All you have to do is get the papers, fill it out, have the postman send it out certified and pay your $80.00. I ain’t playing with his ass I should have been did this shit a long time ago.
Loud Ass #1: Dang, I need to do mines too. I went to Virginia, they were trying to get me to pay $300 dollars, and I did not have it.

What the hell, why are you all loud talking about this on the bus and LOUD. Well, if your nickel is getting on your nerves and a divorce is what you seek - it is cheaper to obtain in DC than VA.

Next idiot in training:

Young girl is cursing on the bus (as usual – I swear the girls are worst then the boys) and said some girl tried to hit on her and she told her “honey I am all about the dick no twat.” She said this loud on the bus early in the freaking A.M. and was talking about her birth control pills.

Then she said her boyfriend got on her nerves, she is tired of his ass and told him fuck you (she said it like 4 times and her friend egged her on) and don’t call me no more. Then she said the boyfriend called her at 11:44 at night (no, I was not eaves dropping – she wanted everyone to hear) and talked to him until 12:30. The next morning, she got up tired (no shit Sherlock) and asked her mother if she could stay home from school and her mother said no. She said, but ma I’m tired and her mother said, so am I and I have to go to work, so you will go to school. Good advice, now if her mother would incorporate a little whip ass, her daughter wouldn’t be on the bus acting like Lil’ Kim or a menace to my ears.

Society is getting on my nerves with these kids – can you tell?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Guess whose coming to dinner?

My mommy!!! Sike!!! Not yet.

Just kidding. My mommy is closer to me ya'll!! She is with my brother in Virginia and will make her way up here with me and the kids. I have not seen my mommy in over a year and I can't wait.

I am dying laughing while I am writing this post, because I know next week I am going to seek prayer for wanting to throw her ass out.

Gotta love it!!!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Diary of a Mad Ass Knit Pattern

Will someone please come and get this fake ass knitter!! This is Starsky, and I am sick and tired of Urban cheating on me. I mean, for real ya’ll, how long does it take to finish knitting a damn sweater.

Granted, I see her writing her essay for her Masters (but, I believe she has been doing this before me – hell she started me in September 2006). I also know she is working with her Homeowner Association, and trying to whip their ass into shape (she really should quit because these folks are ignorant and I can see her catching a case). Then home girl has a nerve to try and pick a paint color – how many greens do one person need, you need to see her wall, I think it is about 5 or 100 shades of greens on the wall (who knew) and she did some crappy ass resume.

Oh and what really set this post off!!! This bitch right chere is a polygamist knitter – she really has a problem. This hoochie has a nerve to start knitting other shit, she thinks her ass is slick. I knew she was knitting Ene’s Scarf, I mean she was woman enough to apologized, remember her posts in the past. Humph, well, well, I caught the chica left-handed, knitting a sweater for her daughter – ain’t that a blimp.

Well, you know what, I can’t wait until her Mom’s get here tomorrow, I heard her talking to her BFF (more than one, I wonder if they know about that), telling them she may give me to her mother – THANK GOD, I don’t want to be with a bipolar knitter any ‘ole way. Look how she did her husband’s scarf and the last clapotis she knit – she did not like them in the beginning, it had to GROW on her, she said!!

Well, I hope the apple does fall far away from the tree, so her mom can take me to the ATL with her when she leaves (maybe I should tell her mom what I heard her say about HER – she don’t want to mess with me).

Please tell her to complete me, I mean damn, its’ been a year and the yarn she needed to complete me came over two weeks ago from Canada. Urban is always telling people, you can not pick your family members. Well guess what? Knitting patterns can’t pick their knitters either, how bout that! I probably should start a petition, she loves politics – maybe then her ass will pay attention to me. Hmph.

Uh, wait a minute… I think the heifer is coming and she can be mean, she might unravel me (I heard her slick ass say that before), so, um. I have to end here.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Thanksgiving Rules

Okay people, you know it is that time of year again and someone sent this to me (twice), but I figured I would post it here anyway for those who have not seen it.

And so it goes.


1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything.

2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on the pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort them to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas.

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a hoot. The time limit for the prayer is one minute.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy behind home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate using my good Tupperware knowing good and well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on you.

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your behind home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS ...YET!

Let me tell you, this has made my day!!!! Especially, #1, 2, 6 and 8.

I did not make this someone else did so credit goes to - 1 email said Madea Thanksgiving rules and another had no name. So whoever you are good looking out.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Drama, drama, drama

Let me just tell you, I do not have time for any type of non sense, at all. I like living a drama free life, but every time I try to get out, one of them fools try to pull me back in!!

Gated community, some homes with garages and some without. There are limited parking within the gate, however, there is parking outside the gate.

My section within the gate have four homes beside each other. All of us have garages except one neighbor and there are 4 parking spaces. One parking space is designated to her since she does not have a garage or driveway and one the previous owner told me we own and another owner owns another.

When we first moved in the neighborhood people parked in the parking space, being the nice person that I am I wrote a note saying don't park here. They stopped, however, she now parks in front of the fire hydrant. This woman tries to be confrontational, so I have heard. I don't deal with her, but my neighbor beside me is always arguing with her because she parks in front if her driveway and than will tell her, "all you have to do is knock on the door." WTF.

Okay, so where am I going with this. Wednesday, Halloween, we pull into the gate and the whole section is full. Cars are everywhere and people are hanging outside. We never have this, I am HOT, HEATED, but I knew not to say anything yet.

Thursday, on our listserv, another neighbor in another section put out a email about parking in their section. So, I responded to her email with this:

(Our Section), it is a small parking lot, neighbors and their company park in front of the fire hydrant and anywhere else they like.

We have signs coming into the gate that talks about towing and I have yet to see someone towed.

This is ridiculous.

(I Signed it with my government name and my street address)

So after this email, one of the police officers who live there sent a email saying that he will contact me later on steps I can follow. I don't think she liked that because this is what she sent:


In order to get this straightened out once and for all, we need to have a meeting with (President), so he can give us the rules/laws on the parking for (our section).

Can you feel the anger!! This shit is too fucking funny. She is so angry, screaming, the boldness of it all, and than the color red too. Whew wee, could it be because you maybe guilty of something.

So, let's dissect her email for a second, before we move on.

1. Is the curb a parking space.....uh no. we have lines drawn for parking spaces and it is not by her house.

2. She states that if the parking space is filled, that she parks in front of the fire hydrant - is that NOT what I said. It's illegal.

3. When we bought this house, the old owner told us we owned that parking space. When someone parked in it before, the neighbor that is right beside us said, man they are trying you, that is your space. Let me just tell you gals, no one parks in that space, not even her, unless she feels froggy, but majority of the time she does not, remember she parks in front of the fire hydrant. If she believed that was not our space, she should have said so, or approach me about. She never has, we could have handled it then. As far as threatening letters, not true, it was a promise. I clearly stated this is a private parking space, if you continue to park here I will have your car towed.

Now people, if Urban is wrong, I am woman enough to say - Hey, I thought that was my space, that is what the owner told us. It's no biggy, we have a freaking garage. However, you still can't make parking spaces in front of the curb and in front of the fire hydrant - oh and her parking space, the one that is hers have a car in it that doesn't work!!!

So, instead of responding right away and after I deleted my email three times. I responded with this:

(Parking section name) have 4 parking spaces, they are outlined by the white lines. If a car is parked outside of that white line than it is not in a parking space. Cars are parked in front of the fire hydrant, it has been done on numerous occasions. There is no need to scream, we can converse like adults. I will send an email to you and (HOA president) and we can ask for a meeting for the neighbors at (Our section).

And than I sent this:

Good morning (HOA Prez and cc'ed her on it),

Can you meet with the homeowners in references to the rules and regulations of parking in the section of (ours).

Thank you,

The only changes to these emails is to the names and sections, I don't need Jason or Michael Myers coming to the crib.

So, I called Mr. Urban and told him what happened and to go and take pics of her in front of the fire hydrant (and she was) oh, and someone was parked in front of our driveway (from her house), he took a picture of that and told them to move (they did). See, hubby was home during the day and they weren't expecting it.

Where do we stand: no where, I think this lady is use to bulling people and she didn't expect me to respond to her crazy ass. She has yet to respond to either of my emails. Believe me people, I am not confrontational, don't look it either. However, I do believe in communicating and not being punked.

This morning - 2 cars parked in front of the curb and fire hydrant.


My aunt use to shake my brother when he was bad and say "I rebuke you satan." (see why I feel the way I fell about org religion)!! I think I might call her and ask her to come shake someone.

Have a great weekend!!