Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Relationship woes - Have you seen Urban?

Finding Urban. Have you seen her?

Well I have, but if I wrote this post a couple months ago……not so much.

See when you’re the strong one, mommy, “best daughter”, super wife, and all around chica. You can get lost.

Well I did just that.

My relationship with my husband is tight, however, there were times around the summer when I could not find myself. My husband and the kids were working my left nerve. EVERYONE got on my damn nerves – yup if you could breathe, pretty much, yeah you got on my nerves.

Normally, I brush the shit off and keep it moving, but for some reason this shit was bothering me.

I have always communicated because I know that it is key, it is not a saying. It is true and I NORMALLY live by it but I got to the point where I did not want to hear what folks were saying and I did not want to talk about it.

One thing we both have always had is laughter. We joke all the time and we have this saying, when I do not feel like he is doing what needs to be done, I will ask him “where the hell is my pedestal?” – no I am not crazy or think I am a queen. It is just a saying to know - hey dude pay attention to me, he has a saying to when he wants me to listen, but I will leave that one out.

We never really had to make room for each other. Our parents always got the kids for weekends or my mom for the summers in VA or GA. We had 9-5 jobs for most of our coupledom and off on the weekends. It was easy to count on him being there. When I went to school for undergrad he would be there in the evening and took care of the kids. Allowed me to study until 2 in the morning and make the kids leave me alone and did not complain. When I was clubbing HARD, he was there to make sure they were well fed and homework completed. When I was a workaholic, yup, he was there doing his thang. So much so, as I told ya’ll before Mr. Stefon teacher did not know who I was and at my oldest son 8th grade graduation he gave Mr. Conservative a rose for being the one who supported him the most during the school year (still a little peeved about that one can you tell!), but it was the truth. I cannot lie, he was/is father of the year.

Sometimes, I do not know how I or he did it because I was determined to have my cake and ice cream. Meaning I wanted to be on the Dean’s List (accomplished – mama ain’t no idiot), plus I wanted to party like it was 1999 and come home and be Mrs. Cleaver and a video vixen (FOR MY HUSBAND ONLY). And I did. We made it work.

We always made time for each other. I had a schedule – work, school, study, party, take care home and repeat again.

Fastforward to the summer time and it all became somewhat of a stand still. My husband was working hard and he got a promotion. However, with working hard his schedule changed no more working early in the a.m. and home by 2. He was working all kinds of crazy hours. The kids began to complain because they missed having their dad at home and then on a couple of occasion going to sleep with both parents not home because I would be at school and he would be at work. Well, it affected Mr. Stefon the most because his bedtime is 8 – no if and’s, but’s about it.

Then it got to the point were we were not going out on our dates and spending that much needed time together. I mean damn we been together all this time and NOW it becomes a problem. I did not want to be that girl that said – how come we don’t spend enough time together –when I knew he was at work.

Of course, I do what I normally do shut down. Plus, at this time I was having issues with the world. I think my mantra was Fuck the world don’t ask me for shit (thanks Method for the verse).

My husband is a good husband asking me what’s wrong? How can he fix it? He really was/is a trooper and what did I do? Make his life a living hell.

This is why when I did write I said I was writing in my journal. I knew something was wrong with me but what. Who knows? I go through these bouts were everyone and their momma gets on my last damn nerve.

So I picked up my journal which I have not written in, but I believe I told ya’ll I found it a couple months ago. Talk about that later too. But any who, I have not written in this thing since I believe 2000 but it was calling me.

See one good trait I have, (which I have many by the way, back to the blog) Is that sooner or later, I will take a look at myself and analyze my actions. I realized that I was doing two things. One I was being selfish. Here is the one time he was being selfish enough to work on his career and I was throwing a fit because I was not getting his attention. He never complained about me working long hours or anything. If he did I didn’t hear him or don’t remember. Now the clubbing he complained about a little, but even then it was I don’t want you to go but if you want to, go ahead. You know I ran with that and laced up my nike boots and was out the door. I mean seriously, I was clubbing hard, like going to work and school full-time, and clubbing maybe 3 times a week. But I came home, and tried to make up for it by taking the kids out on the weekend and buying their love basically. I was young then. Not an excuse, but a fact. I wasn’t always clubbing but for about two years, yeah, problem.

Second problem, somewhere in the last year I lost me. I got dependent on him always being there. I go out with my friends and everything, but our time together was important; and when he was off he was tired and wanted to sleep and I would poke my lips out like I was two and had tantrums until he would say – okay lets go where you want to go, but I can’t stay out too late because I have to be to work at 5 am, which meant he leaves the house around 4:30. Now a rational person would say okay, or maybe we should stay in and make do. But a crazy woman, which would be me, would say just forget it I don’t want to go any more with all those stipulations. Yeah, I know, I know. I was being an ass. But that is what I was being - a major jackass. Now if the man would have lost his job for not working I would have lost my damn mind, but heck I was not thinking about that, well yeah I was. I was not saying do not work, I was saying make time. Again, back to problem number one being selfish.

Anywho, life is much better in our household. Once I stopped acting like an ass and taking a good, hard, long look at myself and my actions. But, in my defense like I told him, you spoiled me and made me this way and its hard being on a pedestal and then dropped kicked off. I was use to our time, and like I tell anyone, I like coming home to my husband and kids. I actually still like them. I laugh and joke and call them names, but would not trade them in. Furthermore, I had to tell him although we have each other we need to keep each other interested. I do not want one of those random relationships were people are just there and no passion or intimacy, bump all that. You need to continue acting like you met me yesterday, do not take it for granted that I am here. You need to still do them moves you use to do ya dig, and I will still do them things that got you in the first place. Just saying.

Marriage, family, relationships are not easy, but they are what you make them.


Anonymous said...

Guuuuuuuuuuurl, we coulda swapped houses I promise.

It kinda sucks when you acknowledge that you're the one with the problem and not them huh? Lol

Glad y'all are back on track, it's sucks not having your bestfriend ;)

Adrienne said...

You need to still do them moves you use to do ya dig, and I will still do them things that got you in the first place. Just saying.

Love it! Glad y'all are good now :)

Two Cables and a Frapp said...

Very big of you to admit that you are the main contributor to the issues. Most people cannot admit this. This is a very touching story.