Thursday, November 13, 2008


Okay lovely people I need your help. I do not lie to my husband, I feel no need. When I use to run the streets – Babe where you going – um, to the strip club, food done and I’m out. But if I did tell a lie damn it, he’d never no. Deny, deny, deny – moving on.

So, here’s what I need help on.

I noticed some things with my oldest son – College boy. He has been very aloof and just to himself. I told you he is a different cat. He has always been quiet and to himself, and the kids laugh at him because he likes “white”music, and talk “white” (some bullshit, no such damn thing). He is a cutie, not just because I am his momma, anyone who has seen him will tell ya (I might try and slide a picture on here, but um, you know Mr. Conservative says no – he is not the boss of me). Anyway, he can not tell a lie. He won’t just come out and tell you some shit, but if you ask him straight out, he will give you the answer, even if he knows he will get in trouble – trick is asking the right question. Well, let me get to the meat. Mr. Conservative, asked him about school and I noticed that he gave a kind of loose answer, so when I was off last week and he was home too, I asked him straight out how was school. He looked at me and he looked like he was going to cry and said, Mommy, I can’t lie, not good. He went into all this stuff and we determined that he is depressed, which I already knew by his appearance and his separation. He said he was happy to finally tell me because it was hard trying to keep up appearances (that is why he has been locked in his room except for meals, so we would not ask him anything).

I am so hurt by this, because he should have come and talked to me in the beginning, but I know I have a strong personality and sometimes this scares the kids (and Mr. Conservative). I do not know why, because I personally think I am the kindest person in the world, I just give it straight. I am also hurt, because I can’ t give him medicine or kiss it and make it better.

Well, I advised him to talk to his professors and we determined that he should withdraw from his classes instead of failing them. I do not think drugs, and all the other stuff is involved, but I do know he is depressed. I also talked to him about his plans for college. He knows our plans for him, they have to get an education. We have always preached college, graduate school. However, I also know that college is not for everyone, so I asked him how he felt about college – was it the school, his major or if he wanted to just quit. I told him, that if he decided to quit, I would be upset, but if he did, he would have to get a job and go to a trade school and learn a skill. He said no that was not it, he wants to go to school (Hallelujah!! I do not know what I would have done, if he said otherwise).

So, the deal is as long as he goes to school he does not have to work. However, since he is withdrawing from school I told him he has to get a job, he has to come out of the room and get dressed everyday and by the end of this week (tomorrow) he has to present to me a 1 month, 3 month and 1 year plan and how he plans to reach these goals.

My dilemma is this. Mr. Conservative do not know and anyone who can do math should know that Mr. Conservative is not his biological father, we met when he was two and his been in his life every since. His father is also in his life, he has been blessed with two awesome men that care about him. HOWEVER, they both did not go to college and they have all their hopes and dreams riding on his back.

I asked him when were we going to sit down and talk to Mr. Conservative about this and he told me, I can’t deal with it right now, can I find a job first and then talk to him and dad. People I understand where he is coming from, but it puts me in the middle. I was okay with knowing and not telling them when we were trying to figure out what he should do. However, I am very uncomfortable knowing this and smiling in my husband face and not telling him that your son gets up every morning brush his teeth, wash his face and acts like he is going to school when he is not. Oh and he might be depressed.

What’s a mother to do? What would you do? ALL opinions are welcomed, I’m not feeling this lying shit.


Beta said...

Oh man, what a dilemma. Thanks for sharing. Unfortunately, I have no words of advice (not surprising since I don't have kids of my own).
Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you guys and hoping for a quick resolution and that your son feels good again soon.

NikkiJ said...

First let me say that your son is so lucky to have you. People who haven't gone to college just don't understand how crazy it gets sometimes.

I went through my entire college career not knowing what I wanted my major to be. I had to choose something, so engineering it was because I already had a lot of technical classes under my belt.

How dumb could I have been? That shit was hard.

I nearly withdrew, but instead, I decided to take one class a semester (at a community college), and worked my way back up to a full load. This increased my confidence (cause I was getting A's and B's) and my interest in engineering as a major. After I finished all my freshman and sophomore classes, I applied for the university again. Got accepted, and finished that in 2 1/2 years.

I was in my 30s before I figured out I should have majored in art or business. But I didn't have supportive parents like your son has. Now I have kids of my own, and well, YOU know how that is.

Letting him stop completely is better than wasting money and time on bad grades and indecisiveness. I think the best thing to do now would be to help him figure out what HIS passions are, and help him to pursue that.

Oh yeah, will you be my Mommy? LOL.

Sheila said...

I can so relate to your situation. Honestly, I would talk to college boy again about telling Mr. Conservative now rather than later. I think it would help him understand that the best solution to any dilemma is handling it early on rather than letting it fester.

A dinner out with just you, Mr. Conservative & College boy would be a great setting to discuss it.

Good Luck.

Knitaholictoo said...

My heart breaks for you, Urb. You know I'm at the beginning of this trip and I am scar-ed for what lies ahead with my boys. Just gently keep the lines of communication open. I'm prayin' for you all.

Pajnstl said...

eeek... well at least he's talking to you.

if you told hubby would he be able to hold it in and ACT surprised when college boy tells him?

either way. everything will work out just fine. They always do

Carmell said...

if it was me and my son who is not his father but raised him i wouldn't tell him. i think i might tell his real dad though. for real collegeboy is almost grown... let him tell him when hes ready.

Anonymous said...

It's clear that you don't want to lie or keep secrets, which is good. That'll just weigh on you both. If CB can, with you present, maybe the two of you can talk to Mr. C together? I think he'd be hurt if he found out later instead of now.

n0days0ff said...

I started to type out this long thing of advice when I realized this issue has already been resolved. I'm always late