Job Search, Fair, Information

Job searching.

I have been complaining for years about getting a new job. However, the only thing I have done to get said job is bitch and moan and make twenty different resumes. We all know that will not get the job done.

I am in graduate school (as if you didn't know) and decided I wanted a new job in my field by February of next year or maybe stick it out at my current job a little longer – until I graduate. Nevertheless, I realize I cannot do it. I just cannot. When you know, it is time to go you need to go and I have known for the past three years. So, what am I finally doing about it beside bitch, moan and make more resumes. I went and talked to Career Services at my current university. Before I go any further, if you are currently attending a university or an alum and looking for a job you should contact your school. I do not know about my undergrad, but my graduate contact says she is handling a lot of alum right now. As she stated, “you pay a lot of money to attend this university and this is what you pay for.” Can the church say Amen. I think information sharing is great and although I knew a lot going into the meeting, she listened, gave me a lot of confidence and another view of the situation. Although I can listen to other peoples problems, analyze and give feedback. So, let’s get it cracking.

Networking

I know, I know. Who sucked their teeth? Majority of jobs come from networking. You need to make sure you are building that network. We all know it is all about who you know. That is why Ant Man is working for the F.BI and you know damn well he probably should not, but hey, it is what it is.

Urban, I do not know how to network? I do not know anyone.

Sure you do. Do you belong to any professional organizations? If not you probably should and start attending some meetings. What about Church organizations, the PTA, or other groups? You are communicating all the time; make sure you are keeping those lines of communication opened. In addition, there are professional networking websites like LinkedIn. Try it out.

As the CareerGuru (let’s call her that) asked me.

CG: If someone called you for help, would you help him or her?
Urban: Absolutely.
CG: So why wouldn’t they help you.
Urban: Point well taken.

Resume

Ugh. I hate them with a passion, but you need one. You need to read your resume to make sure it reflects you. Now I have done my resume a trillion time and I want to get out of finance but guess what when I look at it, it screams finance. I know this and was hardheaded and reluctant to change it until I went to a Job fair and everyone kept telling me they were hiring in accounting.

Make sure your resume is tailored to the job you want. Your marketing yourself. Get a group of trusted friends to look at your resume and let them critique it for misspelled words, grammar issues – and it should not be ten pages. HR professional don’t have time and will toss your resume and we don’t really need to know what you were doing in 1972 unless its really significant (not).

There are plenty of places on the web that you can get free samples of resumes. I am about to change my resume yet again (shut up) to a functional one. Career Guru suggested the change. I do not totally agree with her, I am thinking of doing a chronological/functional. You know what they say about hard heads and a soft ass.

Clothing

We did not talk about dress code I got that one covered, but you know it is a BIG pet peeve of mine. I cannot tell you how many people I see at job fairs and coming to my place of business for interviews dressed inappropriately. Yes, in 2009 there is still a dress code. Hell I was just reading somewhere that some companies ban sleeveless shirts or that they have to be 3 inches (who is measuring). What I am trying to say is dress as if you got some damn sense. Leave the club gear at home. I still stick with the navy, black or dark suit and heels. That’s just me. Small earrings. No Mr. T. My yellow polish is taken off for a neutral.

Job Fair

I know I gave up on job fairs, but CareerGuru talked me into going because AGAIN, she had some great points.

Here are my complaints. They do not take your resume – majority of the time. Their famous words – if you go on our website. My thoughts – why are you here, hell I knew that already.

CareerGuru response. I hear you and I understand what your saying. However, you can get their card, which have their name on it and you can follow up. In addition, you can practice your interviewing techniques. Introducing yourself and NETWORKING with other job lookers in the crowd.

She had a point. That’s’ why I went to the Federal Job Fair, which was much better than the other ones I attended. Everyone was dressed in their dark clothing and shoes (until I took mines off because I was not trying to get a corn – sorry. Yeah, I know I broke my own rule, but I got a card). All in all it was okay. It was crowded and you had to wait in long lines (6,000 people attended the fair), but out of the six places I stopped at, I gave away three resumes. Sweet.

This is my – I am trying to get a job gear.




Almost forgot. In conclusion, you need to set goals and treat your job search like a job. Schedule a day or two and in the words of the CareerGuru you only need one job - so get them resumes out there and get your one job. I hope mine is right around the corner. I hope this can help someone, it sure helped me.

I had a phone interview last Friday. Will talk about that later this is already long as heck.

Back Down Memory Lane 2

Back down memory lane part 2. Includes – bus driver companion, hummer guy and professor.

I guess I start with the professor because it wasn’t a biggy.

Professor Logic and Religion (2 diff classes)

I went to Anger Mgmt school to register her AGAIN. Can I tell you all how much I hate the registration process annually for my kids in D.C. One reason why I hate it…….IT DEFEATS ITS OWN PURPOSE!! Purpose – to catch people who do not live in D.C. putting their kids in D.C. school and making them pay if they want them to continue going to the school. However, they never catch the people. Same with the summer job program – still a whole of people from MD and VA working. Anywho…

I come down the hall an see my old Logic and Religion (or something like that) Professor.

Excuse me sir do you know the way to my university? We had a good time catching up. I have a crazy story about the boy in my Religion class who drank everyone stuff when they got up from their seat, but that will take too much time – another post.

We be clubbing!!

Okay, so Friday I went out with one of my BFF for happy hour. We started out at Jas.pers and then ended up at that Lounge Freaks – remember Hummer dude. Now let me tell you. I was LIT!! I am too damn old to start off drinking at one club and then go to another Jeez. I had three DELICIOUS margarita at Jaspers (and was so busy at work I did not eat lunch – can you say disaster). Thank Gawd I am married and was not looking for any dudes because I ate so much food at the bar they either thought I was preggers or damn right greedy. When it came time to leave, the guy I was talking to said, I can’t wait to see you get up, that’s the best part! What son, they don’t know me! I will hold on for dear life not to be embarrassed.

Get inside of the Lounge and it was boring and funky. I am sitting at the bar and this chica says.

Crazy Club Chica: Hey Gurl!!!!!!!
Urban looking at my friend like Biatch she is talking to you.
CCC: Gurl, don’t you act like you don’t know me!!
Is she talking to me, because I KNOW I never met her old ass!!
Tell me why she get up, come over where I was and started hugging me!! What happened to personal space. I really don’t know you girl. But of course, I just blank stare.
CCC: We use to ride the bus together in the morning! I started the petition!
Memory snap – thank goodness. HEY GURL!!! Phony as hell. She then whisper in my ear.

You know my son got five years. Nope. BINGO! No wonder she looks so damn old. Last time I seen her she was slim and trim, every bit of 40 something giving 20 year olds a run for their money. Um, not any more, that worrying has put a major whip ass on her.

Okay, I have a question. Why do people tell me shit? I mean I really don’t mind but I just think some shit I would leave out. For instance, BIL mamma buying weed like its tictacs or my sister hitting him upside the head with a pole and stabbing his dumb ass in the neck OR CCC son getting five years – I can go on and on. I’m thinking I probably would not share some of those things with a stranger but okay.

By the way, while we were there we did run into Hummer Dude but he tried to play dumb because he was with his girlfriend. I had fun chatting her up. He tried to talk when she went to the bathroom all innocent. He still looked like he put ALL of his money in that gas guzzler.

They had this jukebox in the place that took me forever to play music. Maybe 15 minutes to pick stuff. When I got back to the bar my BFF was talking to these two dudes. Scrubs.

I heard their convo and was not interested. She tried to introduce me and I was not having it. I could just tell ewe. So, this is what I hear.

BFF: Wait. You have a wife, baby momma and a girl.
Scrub #1: yeah.
BFF: Wow
Scrub #2: You can hang with that right.
BFF: Nope not at all.
Scrub #1. It wouldn’t be so bad if she (girlfriend) wasn’t so stupid. I mean I can’t hold a conversation with her ass.
BFF: So why are you with her?
Scrub #1: (laughing) Why you think?
BFF: So why not stay with your wife then? Convo and booty.
Scrub #1: Different reasons shorty.
Scrub #1 and #2: Nice meeting you – ya’ll have a good time.
Scrub #1 phone ringing: This her right here. This should be you calling me. What’s your number so I can put it in my phone.
BFF: No, no thank you. Ya’ll have fun.

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ex coworker called and wants me to come to his cookout and a old friend like middle school got in contact with me.

I feel like my husband that fool ALWAYS run into people. It’s a running joke. If we go somewhere he will run into someone and sure enough he does, but DC is small and he is a native Washingtonian. The big difference between me and my husband - he knows EVERY single one. If not, he has no problem telling them. How do I know? This guy came to him, called him by name, gave him dap and Mr. Conservative was like dude I don’t know you. Remember the championship game, blah, blah. Yeah, I remember it and everyone on the team. When we were out of earshot I said are you sure you don’t remember him. He said I remember everyone that was on that damn team and his ass was not on it unless he was wwwaaaayyyy down on the bench and I still don’t think he was on the team.

Whatever. An old friend is trying to come back into my life. I don't know how I feel about that - we'll discuss later - you know I am slow with posting. And an old enemy too. I don't really have enemies, but this one girl. I.Just.Don't.Like!

Back Down Memory Lane

Back down memory lane!! I stumbled on this photograph..... Love this song by Minnie Ripperton. Did you see the Unsung show on her. By the way LOVE Unsung. About damn time BET has an acceptable program.

I have ran into so many people lately. Of course in the beginning as usual I didn’t know who the hell they were but I did end up recalling who they were in the end. Who shall I start with…..the ex.

After Mr. Stefon award ceremony I leave out and this fool in a city truck is blowing the hell out of his horn. I look and wave back at him and kept it moving until he said. How is Dumbass (my brother) doing? So, I stop walking to look since he knew him by name means that I know him too. People started getting really rowdy because he is trying to talk to me while his ass is still in traffic. He parks the big ass truck.

Ex-boytoy: Hey Urban. What’s up?
Urban: Hey (not knowing who the hell this is). Nothing.
EBT: Damn you look good.
Urban: (not knowing what to say) Thanks.
EBT: So what has your crazy brother been up to.
Urban: Shit. Being him, you know he lives in VA.
EBT: Naw, give me his number. Man oh man. (feeling raped about now).
Urban: Okay here is his number.
EBT: I knew I should have wifed you up when I had the chance.
Urban: WTF – who the hell is this dude, because saying that means we must have dealt with each other.

EBT: Man you don’t know who I am do you?
Urban: No. I mean you look familiar but I can’t remember.
EBT: You don’t remember the kiss we shared. Damn, I always remember it and I am remembering it right now. (so inappropriate)
Urban: (blushing). Man whatever.
EBT: Eight Ball.
Urban: OH! Hey what’s up? Man I haven’t seen you in a long time. (shit you didn’t have DREDS back in the day, you had a low fade).

Why this fool grab my hand? Of course the one with the wedding ring and says, Damn. I knew it. I was supposed to have put that on there. Um, kay. Well you didn’t. I don’t remember a bad break up or anything. I know my brother didn’t like the idea of us going out and that is why we stopped….I think. But this is not the end of the conversation.

Of course he asked for a hug (free feel) and then said the same tired line when one finds out the other person is married.

EBT: So are you happy? You deserve to be happy?
Urban: YES. VERY. I am leaving OUR son school now.
EBT: Damn. So are you going to give me your number so I can call you. Get a cup of coffee or something. I RESPECT the fact that your married. Your good people. How is your mother?
Urban: Naw, like I said it was nice seeing you and my mother is crazy as usual.
EBT: Okay, well take my number just in case Dumbass phone ain’t working and if you want to call you can too. Damn, look at your little fat face.
Urban: That is not nice.
EBT: Naw, it is. You really look good girl. You know we never got a chance to do the other thing but that kiss was something else.

Um, kay at this point I am leaving. Who brings up the fact we didn’t have sex? THANK GOD we didn’t if he is stuck on a damn kiss. Actually once he kept saying it, I thought back and I do remember it. But this would not be an Urban story if funny shit don’t happen – at least through my eyes. While I am talking to him and like I said he drives a city truck this elderly lady walks up.

Elderly Woman: Excuse me. Do you work for the city?
EBT: Yes ma’am. (very happy he showed respect to her at least).
EW: Okay, well I have two big dead rats on my porch. I need someone from the city to clean it up. Do you do it or who shall I call?
EBT: No ma’am I don’t do it but if you call 311 I am sure they will send someone to clean it up.

Perfect ending. I called my mom and told her about Eight Ball and she was too damn excited. Whatever.

Okay this one was too long I will tell you about the other people later.

A Thin Line between Love and Hate: Mirabella

It's a thin lineeeee between love and hate!!

Love that song AND the movie with Martin Lawrence. Which I saw a couple weeks by the way. Too damn funny. Lynn Whitfield did her thang. When she messed up his car in front of the police station. wow. He was crying like I don't know what.

Anywho, this baby blanket is driving me crazy on these little ass needles. I hope I am finished before the baby comes at the end of August.

This is Mirabella bad ass chilling on the printer. I swear for Gawd it's a thin line - one minute I think about putting it in the UFO bin, but another says, its so cute keep it moving. We shall see, we.shall.see.

E Lynn Harris Dead

What in the world? Just wow!!

I learned from him that gay (for a lack of a better word) relationships were similar to heterosexual relationships and that gay men were not all flaming. That you could not judge a book by its cover....snap!! Thuggish dudes are gay too!! Aanywho. Thank you for giving me Kyle, Raymond and Basil and all the other characters.

Well there is only only one thing that is permanent in this world....DEATH.

Mr. Stefon will be my Sewing Teacher!!

Mr. Stefon will be my sewing teacher. Imagine that.

He HATES tennis camp and let us know about it every chance he gets. Well at the beginning anyway. His biggest complaint. He is out of school and he doesn’t understand why they are forcing him to do work. Um, because you should. He wants to go over my moms house so he can hang with his cousins. NOPE. He needs the extra work. Plus, I like the fact that they make their behinds run everyday too WHICH HE HATES. Oh well, life is oh so hard for him. He has met Se.rena and went to see her play FOR FREE when she was in town, he was not impressed. A trip I tell you. At 3 they are allowed to do extra activities, chess, sewing, computers or more tennis.

He came home the other day and told me he knew how to thread the sewing machine and everything. I said, wow you can teach me. He says he loves it!! Here is the surprising part. Mr. Conservative is all for it. YES after the boy start knitting, I thought the man was going to have a heart attack.

We were on our way to Safeway to get 4th of July crap and the convo went like this.

Mr. Stefon: Mommy we did “whatever” in sewing class and I think I want to do my own t-shirts and sell them.
Urban: Well it sounds like you have a plan. We can look into it. Maybe, get you a little machine and then you can teach me.
Mr. Conservative: Yeah, I will help you if you serious.

HOLD UP!! Is that my husband? My baby fava? Mr. Why you teaching him how to knit?!

Anywho, I am happy he jumped onboard. I don’t believe in that old crap a boy is suppose to……. And a girl is suppose to…… Nope not I. But I think you all knew that about me anyway.

Breakfast Date: Collegeboy and Me

I suppose to have the house to myself this weekend. Anger Mgmt and Mr. Stefon went over their grandma’s house for the weekend and Collegeboy was suppose to go over his dad’s house and Mr. Conservative have to work. Well Collegeboy at the last minute decided he didn’t feel like going over his dad’s house so he stayed behind. Not a problem he is on the first floor I am on the third floor. I only seen him twice on Saturday and both times involved eating. This morning I got bored and figured I would fulfill one of my birthday resolutions (although I am 2 months behind posting) and date my kids.

I texted him and he did not reply. I call him, he did not pick up. Called him again and he said sure. I said okay let me check to see what time the bus comes because our driver - Mr. Conservative is not home. Here is our conversation.

Urban: Do you think you can be ready in 10 minutes because the bus will be coming soon?

Collegeboy: Yes, I have to brush my teeth.
Urban: Okay, let’s try and catch the bus.

Ten minutes go by.

Collegeboy: Mrs. Ten Minutes. You ready?
Urban: Yes, here I come now.
Collegeboy: Where is your shoes? Were not going to catch the bus?
Urban: They are on the way out the door. If we miss it, it will be your fault. Are you taking your keys?
Collegeboy: Why?
Urban: Because I don’t want to take my keys.
Collegeboy: I don’t know why people wear skinny jeans. You know you can’t put stuff in your pocket. I bet you can’t put your hands in your pocket.
Urban: Excuse me. I can put my hands in my pocket. I just wanted to know if your taking your keys, because I am not taking my purse. Let’s go.
Collegeboy: Let me see you do it? Come on ma.
Urban: Look boy, let’s go, you are not my father. I can do it, I just don’t want to take my purse. If your bringing your keys that’s fine.
Collegeboy: Yeah okay, but both of us should bring keys just in case one of us loose theirs.

Whatever, that boy is worrisome. We leave and up the street we see the bus coming.

Urban: Oh well, I guess we missed that bus.
CB: No we didn’t

This fool takes off running.

Urban: Why are you running! (breathe, cramp) We are not going to catch the bus.
CB: Mommy come on, we can catch it.
Urban: My side! You know I am fat! We are not going to make it.
CB: Your not fat, come on. All them Tae Bo tapes you do.

Sure enough the bus driver looks at us, smile and keep it moving. Collegeboy sucks his teeth. I am trying to suck up air. He turns and looks at me and says, “I knew I should have ran.” I am looking at him, like damn I thought we were running. Shit, my side hurt and I was hot. He then tells me – well you said you wanted to exercise. He then starts complaining that I didn’t plan well. Is this the only bus you looked at? When is the next bus? You should have planned better? Okay, I am the mother not him AND it was last minute. I HATE IHOP. I was just bored and of course I was not cooking – remember my vacay.

We then catch a bus and then had to walk. This boy complained the whole time and told me I was spoiled by the car and that I needed to walk more often. We FINALLY get to the IHOP and of course shit don’t work out right. It took forever to get our drinks and then finally got food and the waitress didn’t think she needed to come back to refill our drinks or anything. We had to track her down and then she bought the check before asking if we wanted anything else(I HATE THIS). AND we had to get our going away boxes from another waiter because she would not come back. So, we are now about to leave and he said he will pay and he asked could I pay the tip.

Urban: Well, I don’t want to give her the whole thing because she didn’t know how to act.
CB: Mommy please pay the lady she can do something to our food.
Urban: No she can’t because we already ate, slow boy.
CB: Well your picture is going to be on a wall in the back.
Urban: I will take that chance, she didn’t work for her money.
CB: Mommy please.

Man whatever. I pay the full price, plus a little over and then we leave. When we leave out the door, a bus is out there across the street. I said to Collegeboy I think that is our bus. Why this fool take off and I am looking like OMG, my son is one of those crazy people who almost get hit trying to run for the bus. He is screaming for me to come on and I am like, um, that’s okay I am not running in that street unless no car is coming. The bus driver waited for me and I SAFELY get across the street and ask Collegeboy if I needed to snatch one of his eyes out for running in the street like that. Of course he told me he knew what he was doing. WHATEVER.

We get off the bus and have to walk up a hill. Damn I am out of shape. Thank God we started an exercise program this week that suppose to incorporate the kids, but it looks like I might need to get some alone time. So of course he tells me I am walking to slow. I tell him he is like his fathers and I don’t care. I then told him that our date sucked – of course I was kidding. Once I got in the A/C drank some waters, relaxed on the 2nd floor (too many steps to go to my room) and then made it to the 3rd floor. I sent him a text.

Urban: Thank you for going to breakfast with your old mother. I enjoyed myself.
Collegeboy: LOL. I enjoyed going too. It was nice spending some one on one time like we use to.

I heart him and will make sure we do it again. Just maybe next time plan better if you let him tell it and wear jeans that fit.

Mindless Vacation

Staycation

That is what my husband and I took. Well not actually. It wasn’t planned. I was taking days earlier in the week and he later in the week and we would only have two days to enjoy together because we both needed a vacation to do nothing. Our jobs have been working our booty.

This is my office during the audit.

Well because of the audit, it moved my vacation during the same time as his so we have spent the last week and a half acting like fools.

Remember his complaint that I only cook big breakfast on the weekend when he has to work. Whatever! Homeboy went and bought all the ingredients for the pancakes so I can make them because we were out of the mix. So, I decided to be a good little wife and make him turkey bacon, pancakes and an omelet and when he got back from dropping the kids off at tennis camp, work and the subway. I served him the pancakes wearing nothing but these.



Needless to say, he wanted his pancakes served that way everyday that we were home. Unfortunately, I could not oblige him because Mr. Stefon got sick at camp and had to spend two days home with us. Well, we tried everything to get him better so he can roll out. He loves my homemade chicken soup and requested it. Well, momma sure obliged and pulled out the orange juice, medication and then some. I think what really cured him was the no t.v. In all honesty, I knew he was sick because when we got him from camp he went right upstairs, took a shower and went to sleep……..with no t.v. on. No cartoon network – yup, sick. Called Kaiser, worked it out with advice nurse and sent him on his merry way after the second day.



It was nice being home. Running around the city doing whatever, even if it wasn’t planned. Especially since the real vacation is with the leeches. – Oh did I tell you I am making the oldest two spend some of their hard earned money. Gotta love it!!

omg

My feet are killing me. Well was. I took them thangs off and have on suit and sandals. Damn I can't wait toget home and soak them.

Job fairs

Well. I am on my way to a job fair. I know I swore them off but today is a new day and I am trying to be positive. I got my hair did. Blue suit on (in 90 degree) weather and my black pumps that hurt my damn toes. But I am going so. I will let u know how it goes as well as my meeting with the career service peeps at my university. Good advice actually.

You are the weakest Mom - good-bye!

Anger Mgmt: What is for dinner?

Mr. Conservative and I, act like we do not hear her. As far as I am concerned, she is not talking to me because she was not specific, so I did not answer her.

Anger Mgmt: Mommy (all damn!), what’s for dinner?

I am now faking sleep on the couch and Mr. Conservative is on the computer.

Anger Mgmt: Mommy I know your not sleep, I just saw your eyes open when I came down the steps.

Urban: I was sleep, what do you want.

Anger mgmt: Yeah right. What are we eating for dinner?

Urban: I do not know. Why are you asking me? You have a father. I do not feel like cooking. Make a sandwich or something or we may go get something.

Mr. Conservative: I am tired too; you had better make a sandwich.

Anger mgmt: A sandwich? I am tired of sandwiches.

Urban: I am tired leave me a lone at least you have a sandwich to eat (remember when your parents use to say that). I said, we might go and get something fast to eat.

Anger mgmt: Do you two ever plan on cooking again? Ya’ll do not cook any more. Especially, you mommy. I mean is this new.

Urban: What? I do cook. Right now, it is hard for me with school.

Anger mgmt: Mommy you have been out of school for over a month (this convo took place in June).

Urban: That is beside the point. That is my story and I am sticking to it.

Anger mgmt: Seriously mommy, do you plan on cooking ever again, because I am tired of this stuff.

Urban: First off, you have two parents, and where is it written that I have to cook? How come you are not saying this to daddy, he is right over there. And second, you would think you would be happy with the fast food. Most kids like fast food.

Anger Mgmt: (trying to whisper) You know daddy can’t cook and fast food is good once in a while but you get tired of it.

Urban: Well I believe you are 15 and should be cooking too. I was cooking at 10, so you need to cook more. Right now, I am busy at work and will try and cook. But when I am tired, I am tired.

Kids!! Look. I have been tired as hell. We are two years behind on our audit at work and we have been changing our accounting system MORE than once because I am working with crazy people. So, I have been working more. Also, that is a damn excuse. I have got comfortable with not cooking. Feels quite good by the way, but I do feel guilty sometimes when I do not cook and they give me this look like AGAIN – or smart ass Anger Mgmt comments - I guess I won’t eat. But you see it’s a rhythm, like exercising and I have gotten out of my routine and guess what I LOVE IT!! However, she is right. Fast food is good every now and again, but after awhile it gets boring, nasty and costly. I think one week we ate out 5 out of 7 days and then followed the same trend the next week.

Like I said this conversation happened in June. It is now July. Does that mean I am back to cooking every damn day of the week? Um, no, she is not my mother and I am still on mother/cooking vacation damn it. Although, I do run the risk of getting voted off the family island and I am pretty sure the little misses is forming alliances with her brothers. They have begun to complain – there is no food in the fridge. Um, yes it is you need to COOK IT – College boy, come on man.

Oh and their dad still gets an easy out, because they are scared of him. Famous line from the kids – you know daddy do not care. He is just going to look at us like were crazy. Um, that is what I am going to start doing – I thought I was, but I guess I need to start practicing my mean mugging look in the mirror.

You are the weakest mom, good-bye.

Wesley Snipes+ Sugar Hill= Hot Damn

I use to like Wesley until I heard all the dumb stuff he supposedly said against beautiful black women. Anywho, I do not find him attractive. However there is one time when I think he is FINE as HELL!! Sugar Hill, Sugar Hill!! That man is a cutie. All clean shaven. In suits. Just hot damn Romello and his brother Ray Nathan was dumb as hell. A fake as Fredo. Luvs it!

Crack Tales #2

Okay, it’s early in the morning and I can’t sleep. The best part of not sleeping is good movies. I am watching Taxi Driver with crazy ass Robert DeNiro, one of my fav actors. Anywho, back to crazy conversation number two.

Were all outside, chilling, getting our grub on and because my sister is acting holier than thou, someone said how she seems much calmer than what she normally is and bought up a few things in her past. Her husband decided to tell us when he noticed he had a fighter on his hand. And here is how the story went.

Mr. TMI: I use to think she was the sweetest thing when I met her, but one day I was selling “avon” right and I was over this white girl house selling avon and your sister thought something else was going on. So, she comes down there and get me and we are talking and the next thing I know a straight jab to the face – Bam! I looked at her and I am trying to understand because I know she didn’t just hit me. Than another straight jab – Bam. After that another straight jab. Now see these were not ordinary jabs. These jabs were hard as hell, straight to the face. I decided then, I am going to have to fight her ass like a man. We tussling and I pick her ass up and while I am picking her up, she is quick and grabbed a pole. She hit me three times upside the head. My knees buckled and I was saying to myself stay awake. Were out there going at it and the next thing I knew she stabbed me in my neck. See here is the mark right here. She didn’t even care, her ass packed up my avon and sold it while I was in the hospital.

Urban: Wow, all of this and you still married her.

Mr. TMI: Well were straight now. We are not the same we talk about everything now, nice and calm. I am shocked that my little man made it here because she was pregnant with him at the time, but we didn’t know about it.

WHAT THE FUCK

Everyone was silent. I mean damn, we do not know about fighting our men in trailer parks or wally world parking lots. We do not know about selling avon. Again, dude this is the first time we are meeting you. Find out what the people are like, before you tell us your crack tales. That way you know it’s safe to tell all your damn business, if not, you will hear birds chirping after you tell your story.

Saturday, I cooked breakfast for everyone. Pancakes, Turkey Bacon and Eggs. Thank goodness for Costco. I did not need to buy anything extra because I had the shit in the house already. Hallelujah! It aint easy feeding fifteen people on the same damn day as the cookout. I was not trying to buy anything else.



It took me a whole damn hour to cook breakfast. Mr. Stefon came down and helped me cook the pancakes and clean up some.

After cooking breakfast, my brother-in-law, let’s give him a name – Mr. TMI asked me if I had any coffee.

Urban: No, I need a coffee machine.
Mr. TMI: I gots to have my coffee.
Urban: Well if you go get some, I want something.
Anger Mgmt: You can’t have any coffee I thought you were addicted to caffeine.
Urban: No, I am good. I told you that. That was months ago – shut up. (will explain later – a post I never did). If you go, get me a vanilla latte. I swear Shitbucks has crack in their coffee. (LAUGHING – a jokey, joke right? Wrong.)
Mr. TMI: (serious as a heart attack) It probably do.
Urban: Naw man, I was just kidding this ain’t coca cola in the early century.

This fool here said, naw sista in law your right look.

Down in Georgia this guy named Sunshine sold weed and joints. My MOTHER use to always so down and buy from him. Everybody did. Well, she got sick once and had to go to the doctor. They asked her how long she been smoking coke and she said that she don’t and they told her that is what they found in her system. Man we like to beat the mess out of Sunshine. So you see, the reason why my mother and everyone kept going back to him is because he was lacing the shit.

WHAT IN THE HELL!! All I could answer with was a – Wow. That’s messed up.

This fool told this story in front of my kids and his. I am just looking at him, like what the fuck is wrong with you. Since this is like the first damn conversation face to face, I have had with him. I am just like wow. Okay, your ass do not have a fucking filter or don’t know what’s appropriate. See, I don’t say everything in front of my kids. Their ass ain’t grown, that’s grown folk talk. Anger Mgmt was looking at me with this look on her face, I could no longer look at her because I knew I would burst into tears - laughter.

This is before the cookout – early in the damn morning, well early for them. They didn’t get up until 10.

After they left on Sunday. We were playing Uno and Mr. Stefon brought up Sunshine. I told him that it was inappropriate and do not mention his name. He was talking about him as a joke. Anger Mgmt said, correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t weed a drug and if his mother wasn’t doing drugs in the first place she would never have smoked the wrong stuff and that was not a story to tell kids or anyone. I would have kept that to myself. Collegeboy said, it reminds him of the movie First Sunday, when Lee John tells the story about how he got his name. His mother didn’t know which one was the father so she named him after both of them.

But guess what this is not the best story. His ass told another one in front of my guests. Will try to type that one later, I have a family reunion to go to that I found out about this week ain’t that special. G.H.E.T.T.O.

I don't see the light!!

As usual my mother was right. Very unapologetic. She says to me. Oh this is my godson honey, and he goes everywhere we go. WHAT? That is besides the point. I specifically asked that hussy how many people she was bringing the night before 8+1 = 9 and she said yeah 9. But you know what I didn’t argue with her because I knew it would make no difference it would go over her retarded ass head and the boys stayed over my mom house the first night and the girls stayed over there the second night. Now lets get to the conversations.

Sister: Do you have a Bible in this house?
Urban: Yes. Why? (here we go)
Sister: Where is it?
Urban: I don’t know.
Sister: (roll her eyes at me and shakes her head) Do you two have a Bible?
Collegeboy and Anger Mgmt: Yes.
Sister: Where is it?
Anger Mgmt: I don’t know I think it is with the rest of the books downstairs.
Sister: I know what I am getting you all for Christmas.
SIDEBAR: This hussy haven’t bought any damn thing for my kids in 8 years, so they might want to continue with their old Bibles.
Anger Mgmt: You don’t have to Auntie, we have Bibles and when my grandmother comes tomorrow I am pretty sure she will have five of them with her.
Sister: Who Mr. Conservative Mother? When did she get saved? That’s good, I will have someone here with me.
Urban: Wow. I didn’t know she WASN’T saved and how do you know you will be the only one at the cookout saved. Just because my friends don’t wear it on their chest and have to tell everyone doesn’t mean they are not saved. Question. How can you tell when someone is saved? Because as I told you before just because someone claims to be saved and says it 3 million times does not make you saved. Its your actions, how you carry yourself. (She hates when I say that).
Sister: Well you see a light.
Ma Dukes: What? You see what?
Sister: You see a light over them? It burns bright.

Although my sister has turned into an asshole (actually always have been) we all have humor in our lives. That is how we communicate. I have to bring that out because I am laughing the whole time and she is very heated and now Ma Dukes the master comedienne is brought into the conversation.

My mother turns around looks at my sister and declares she does not see a light. I thought I would die. Anger Mgt and I are on the floor dying laughing. She looks at my mother and tells her that she don’t care if she sees it because 300 soldier strong sees the light. Man whatever. My mother said well its my eyes and dammit I don’t see a light. How come my sister in turns tells my mother not to tempt her, then starts talking about how she is prayed up AND have her oil.

Of course her and Mr. Conservative got into it a little bit, but that is how everyone is with my husband. He gets a long very well with my family and friends. So he helped her loosen up a little bit so we can like her a little.

All of this late at night on Friday. Okay I have to finish a long ass Federal application. I will try and post today about the crack ass conversations I had with her husband. I mean so very inappropriate, but so damn funny – well kinda.

8+1=9 not 10

Ain't this some shit. My mother was right. Her ass boght two extra people. She bought her spirtual daughter and her godson which was never discussed. And had a nerve to say that's my godson he goes everywhere we go. Get the fuck out of here. 10 people in a gmc. I swear they looked like the clowns in a funny car getting out it would not stop. Now I am up waiting for their ass to return from my mothers' house. I need to buy some damn calgon or take up smoking. She already told me she is prayed up and have her oil. All because I asked her did she pick a song for our bobby and whitney show. She has been souch an ass that I am about to get the real party started.

tw

My sister is coming................and her spirtual daughter

Shit. What in the hell was I thinking? My sister is coming for the weekend and her basketball team are staying at my house. Let me tell you how we got here.

First off, she was invited to my surprise party - which of course I knew nothing about. So she was talking about coming to visit and all that since she could not make it to the party. I said, well if you want you can stay at my house. Of course she can stay at my house, hell she is my sister, even though I feel no connection to her AT ALL. Except for my nieces and nephews and of course that is the real reason she can stay with me any time (I have to get something out of the deal - time with my babies and meet the last two 3 and 4 - and the husband).

However, after extending my home to her, I had to get the "Christian" thing out. Look don't tell me what to do. We all grown and I don't want to hear you saying - you shouldn't curse or drink (from a woman who smoke weed like it was a national sport and drank until passing out). Her words, "oh honey chile, I ain't that kinda Christian. I know what I use to do." She is a damn lie, but whatever, maybe we can work on our relationship. Please.

Anyway, I am feeling all warm and fuzzy inside and trying not to listen to my mother and her drama. She does not treat my mother right and I told you all this, that is why I can't do it. Anywho, I said well I haven't seen her in over four years, so its on.

THEN THE EMAILS STARTED!!!

First she emailed me and asked if I would ask Mr. Conservative if it was okay for her to bring her "spiritual son." What in the Hell? I hate when people do that shit. Can you ask your husband? Why? I am the one that will tell your ass no, even if he says yes. Ask me damn it because your talking to me and then I will confirm with him. WTF. Second. What is a Spiritual son? Is it the same as godson? Not fully understanding. But anyway, I emailed back and said cool. I could have sworn she said, that he was 20 years old, in the service, and his wife lived here.

NOW, I get another email from her saying she is no longer bringing her spiritual son, but will be bringing her spiritual daughter. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!? I haven't been to church in awhile, but dang it ain't been that long.

Oh and get this - her email said. She is the girlfriend of the boyfriend that was suppose to come she is in college and she is good people. I want to say hell no, but i am like, i said yes to the son and since he is not coming she takes his place. Man whatever.

I asked Ma Dukes what is a spiritual son/daughter? She has no clue and said my sister is crazy and still a liar (she has always been a master manipulator).

THEN, Ma Dukes leaves me a message to call immediately. I didn't get the message because of the auditors. When I finally call, she says I don't think it is right that your sister in bringing ALL THESE PEOPLE to a family function. I asked her did she clear it with you and she got upset and start screaming family is a trip, but that's your house.

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Call my sister and asked her what was up and who was she bringing and she was cool, she said just the daughter along with her family.

My mother told me she is bringing a fourteen year old boy too. So, I really don't have time to be frustrated because my family of five, plus my sister family of eight and then her extra is a whole lot of people in a four bedroom house, but I was willing to do it and my mom was going to stay the night so she can help me prepare everything, but now if her ass is bringing extras I asked my mother can her retarded ass and that girl stay at her house and I keep the kids.

I don't understand people. You, your husband and six kids equal eight damn people. Why would you bring somebody else? I mean seriously. Especially since we have a lot of stuff going on this weekend. I would like to say something to her, but if I do it will not be pretty, so for now I am just going to divide her damn basketball team up if she shows up with a rack of people. And what type of bus are they driving up here? TWO extra people. I hope not, but I have a game plan set up.

For some reason, I can see us eight and ten rolling in the backyard. Oh, and she wants to sing at my uncle church this Sunday, can I call him. Um, hell no, here's his damn number.

Let me get back to cleaning up.