Road Trip from HELL

Road Trip from Hell.

Now, Butterfly and I had no problems arriving in North Carolina. The only thing I would change is our start time. She did not get to my house until 12.30. To me that is kinda late since we are going to turn BACK around and come back home the same day. I personally think we should have left early a.m.

Coming home. Lawd, it was a hot mess. We get on the road at 6 something and should be back in D.C. by 10 something at least that is what the GPS told us.

We get on the road, she forgot she did not give him his card. Do you know she turned BACK around to take the card back!! Damn, we can’t mail it to him?

Then we start back AGAIN on the road and soon as we get on it

Butterfly: Are you hungry?
Urban: No.
Butterfly: Well I like to eat before it gets too late.
Urban: Um, okay.

30 minutes later

Butterfly: Why don’t we stop and get something to eat.
Urban: OKAY

Now folks, I am a seasoned rider. I would think that we should have either a) ate before we started the trip or b) ate at least midway through. Damn!!

We pull off the highway and start searching for places to eat. I am thinking fast food so we can grab and go. Um, nope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Butterfly: I am not eating meat for Lent.
Urban: okay
Butterfly: Do you still like pizza?
Urban: Yes

How come she pulls up to Piz.za H.ut???????????? WTF!! I try to order a personal pi.zza and she said no it would be better if we order a medium. Man what ever, I am not even hearing you right now. So, I try to keep calm. Then I hear the lady say it will be 45 minutes!

Urban: Did you hear the lady say how long it will take?
Butterfly: Yeah, it will be okay. Come on we got time to kill lets go over there.
Urban: WHERE? (a fucking parking lot, what are we going to see)
Butterfly: Let’s go into the ABC package store.

Now people the only thing she drinks is wine. Why are we going in here? Why is it not called a liquor store? Why do we discuss this?

Butterfly: Where is the wine section?
Urban: There isn’t any.

Fine ass dude standing next to us. You have to go to the Walmart if you want Wine. Butterfly begins to embarrass me by yelling out the prices of every damn thing. Dude and I are discussing the price of Patron and how he mix his drinks for the ladies. She comes and add her two cents. Urban, do your husband drink that stuff? Why, lawd? Why!! Why didn’t she just tell the guy I was married, he can tell by the ring AND I wasn’t even doing anything. Just helping my fellow American with his purchases and trying to learn something new since I have FORTY-FIVE MINUTES TO KILL BECAUSE OF YOU!! Oh and if you can’t afford the alcohol (which she can) don’t go yelling out prices. I hate when people do that shit. Look at a menu and have to fucking scream 23 dollars for shrimp. Look and don’t buy. Ugh. She proceeds to ask the owners what do ABC stand for and then look at all the miniature liquors and tell them that they were charging too much for that little bit of stuff.

We leave there and then she wants to go in St.aples, the damn place was closing. Blinking lights and all and she is STILL trying to shop. She bought a fucking reduced pen. We leave and walk back across the street to PH and get the damn pizza. It was okay, but yeah, I probably couldn’t enjoy any way.

We get back on the road and it is STAND STILL TRAFFIC because it was an accident. Mind you it was NOT one when we exited the highway. It was a horrific accident and because of all the rubber necking it took us an hour to crawl by. I swear they really should get those white screens and put up so people can just drive and be thankful its not them.

Back on the road, happy going on. Getting closer and closer. She kept asking me about this place in VA that we passed on the way down and she wants to STOP in on the way back.

Urban: Your talking about Fredrickburgs
Butterfly: No I have been there several time but I don’t think that is it.
Urban: My parents use to take us there all the time, its Fredrickburg (I did tell ya’ll I use to live in VA, um yeah)

We drive another hour or two. She said. Here it is lets take this exit to get gas and maybe stop at the WALMART. Dude are you fucking killing me!!! WHAT THE FUCK!! I can’t say anything, so I just sit there saying how could the ride be so lovely coming down and now it has turned into Hell.

Butterfly: How do I get to the other side of the street.
Urban: I don’t know
Butterfly: I remember this I have been here before.
Urban: Well, why don’t we just take 95 South and it will put us on THAT side of the highway.
Butterfly: Good idea.

She don’t take my advice because as she is driving a little further looking for the exit she says, here it is.

Urban: No it is not we didn’t get to the other side.
Butterfly: Yeah this is it, because I have been here before. They have really changed this mall. Everything is closed.
Urban: I give her the fucking side eye and don’t say shit. I keep my mouth closed because THIS IS NOT THE PLAZA!! I said yup, your right, we did get over here. I know for a FACT it is not the shop. Besides my parents taking us there. I had Mr. Stefon party there, other family members at parties there because it has laser tag, mini golf and all that good stuff but hell, I don’t care. Yup auntie you found it even if the one your talking about is way on the other side of the street and have BRIGHT ASS LIGHTs. If you go down 95S you have seen it, it is a big ass mall on your right hand side. Jeez.

Is the story over. Nope.

So we stop at the Wa.Wa. Stretch it out wake up and gas up and we start buying stuff. She said I need some potassium, we can stop at the Walmart. Well I got my damn voice back.

Urban: I am pretty sure they have something with potassium in here.
Butterfly: Yeah, but it will be expensive.
Urban: That’s cool I WILL PAY FOR IT.
Butterfly: I can’t let you do that and I don’t want juice.
Urban: Oh you won’t have to drink juice, look at all that stuff in the case and they got the M&M’s you wanted.
Butterfly: The bag is too small, I want a big bag.
Urban: You better get two or three bags and I will pay because we are not going to Wally World.
Butterfly: Well you said you wanted ice cream and you would have a better selection. We have to drive right by it to leave.
Urban: We are not going to Wally World I will survive.

You know she tried. You know her ass did not succeed. I did not get into the damn house until 12-1 something. That is ridiculous. If I travel with her again I will have to set some ground rules.

My cousin memorial is tomorrow in D.C. he wanted to be cremated.